| Home and neighbors
For the past six years, I have been mowing the yard of "the old lady" next door, when I do mine. I know she's on a fixed income..and when I found out what the guy who came by each week was charging her..I just started mowing it, without asking or telling her. At first she came out each time to thank me...then, it bacame the norm.
About once a month, after her trip to the dollar store (she doesnt get out much, so I know when she goes out...plus, she calls me to go put the gas in her car) she would "pay me". She'd buy a bag of treats for my dogs. The one dollar bag of treats for the dogs...I'd make a big show of them eating the treats while she was out on her porch.
Over the years, this has been the scene, and my "taking care" of her has branched out to include many other duties around her house. (you've got to remember...this is an old "redneck" neighborhood of 1920s bungalows) She still tells people she watches out for me. And boy! She does! She's seen every break-up, every new relationship, death of my pets, etc..etc.. I think I am her TV.
Over the past year, things have slightly changed though.....yes, the mortgage "crises" I've been in...I have become more withdrawn...I still mow the lawn, put her garbage cans back in....do the little things, but I had become more withdrawn. The fear and weight of knowing I may lose my home here put me in a downward spiral.
Enter, my infamous letter...and Moes help....reporters showing up at the house...the publicity...
"The old lady" knows something is up...she sees all that occurs in my life...
Last week...I finished mowing and weed-whacking both our yards...and she summons me to the porch (you don't deny the summons, no matter how hot tired and grouchy you are.) I was grouchy, dirty, sad and pretty much sitting on my pitty pot. (mowing leaves alot of thinking time)
"Dan" she says..."I don't have much..but you have been like family to me, I have a thousand dollars saved and it's yours if you need it. I don't want to lose you as a neighbor"
I tell her, no, no, ms Ammons...everything is good, I'll be alright, good people are working on this for me, etc..etc..I put on a fake smile, while inside I am consumed with embarrassment, guilt, zero self worth-all those feelings...and I just want to get away. I think to myself "damn, she's seen the papers, and the news cast, the reporters stopping by...god I suck..I am lower than whale sh*t"
I did..I did feel like whale sh*t...how low can I be, that a poor old lady is offering me charity, that the world knows how I have screwed myself up so badly....
After getting a shower, cooling off, still feeling low as hell- I went to visit a very important friend to me.
I told him what had transpired..told him how angry I was, how embarrased, how it made me feel so ...I don't know, "put off"
He listened, then turned to me and said "Shut up....how ungrateful can you be" he was actually mad at me...."Who the hell do you think you are. Can't you see that it made her feel good to offer that to you after all you've been doing for her for these years. Who are you to deny her that. Of course you wouldn't take her money. You had better stop beating yourself up. Yeah, you did help get yoursaelf into this mess...but you were led into it too. You better get greatful."
I was in total shock at his response..I mean, jaw-dropping shock... After awhile, I went back home.
It's Saturday. I'm going out to mow the lawns.
I am full of fear of what may happen with my home. I am embarrassed and guilt-ridden. I have fear of the future....that I will let down my pets I adopted and promised to care for...that Ms Ammons won't have me around to watch after her...and her to watch after me.
I'm in a shi**y situation, feels like I have destroyed my whole world because of my mortgage choices....
the reality is...
I am a good person in a shi**y situation. I am a good neighbor. I care for others, and others care for me. I have worth. I am doing the best I can for that which I cherish....
I just have to keep telling myself that.
__________________ Loansafe saved my home!! I may be alot of things, but I do know the difference between reply and forward.  | 
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